Where do I start?
Maybe I just need a rant. Maybe it’s just life. Maybe I’m just not strong enough. Maybe I’m just trying my best. Maybe I just need a hug.
“Make time for yourself”. “But it’s important to have time for yourself”. “Oh, couple time is critical”. “Children grow up so fast, you have to enjoy and cherish every moment.” “Please come to my sports event.” ” Urgh but you never give me any time”. “But why won’t you come play now?” “I want a cuddle”. “No one wants to talk to me”. “Why’s this stain here? Did you use something on it straight away?”. “How did that gutter get broken?” “You have to do extra reading to gain knowledge to get better in your job!” “Have you finished your assignment yet?” “But I’m an adult, I can do my own tablets – I’m not a child”. “You’re not being fair!” “But why did he get to?” “I hate you” “You’re not my mom”. “You don’t care”. “It’s your fault”. “you need to learn to say no”. “oh but fitness is so important”. “You need to MAKE time!”. “You can’t pour from an empty jug”
Typing these words out has just brought tears to my eyes. These are the types of sentences and words I hear almost on a daily basis.
The more I try to juggle everything, the more I seem to be dropping the ball. Pressures left, right and centre. Trying to make everyone happy.
- My 13 year old stepson hates living here.
- My Gran hates that I act as her carer – she has dementia. She doesn’t know what she’s meant to be taking – therefore I have to give it to her.
- My husband feels neglected.
- My assignment has a deadline
- My career depends on my qualification
- My qualification takes time
- I’m trying to fit in exercise – regular, structured exercise.
- I’m raising a teenager, a pre-teen, and a 2 year old.
And that’s where I ended off typing this post almost a week ago.
I couldn’t believe just how shitty I was feeling. Just how much was on my shoulders. Just how much I was letting it affect me.
Since then I have made some little changes.
- The boys have set bed times – and I’m not wavering on that. Not at all.
- I have started cycling with my 10 year old, and walking next to my 2 year old while he rides his bicycle too – that’s two of my kiddies having some quality time with me – AND I get exercise at the same time…
- My husband and I play calming music and just sit and chat. Or don’t chat – just sit – together. It’s lovely.
- I have started colouring in again.
- Hubby and I have discussed my qualification and the time it’s going to take me to do assignments, revise etc. He’s told me he will stand by me and assist me in any way he can.
And already I feel much calmer. We still have a fair way to go. The eldest doesn’t want to walk/cycle with me, but that’s okay. I know he’s also going through a tough time.
Looking forward to my psychologist appointment on Saturday….Here’s hoping it will help!
I wasn’t going to publish this post. But I was encouraged to because maybe there’s someone else out there that will read it and feel similarly. Maybe it will help someone else.
Writing really does help!